Peeling the onion that is ElderCare

I have been thrown into the wide world of wading through all of the information we need to have/understand in order to help our aging parents...and all I can liken it to is an onion.  The more I look at just a handful of websites I have found regarding the subject, the more I feel like I am just beginning to peel back the many layers of an onion.  It's almost overwhelming.
 
Felipe and his brother and sisters are all of a sudden faced with the reality of having to explore what option is next for their Mom.  Assisted Living?  In home care?  Moving her in with one of the kids?  It's amazing how many myths (or more appropriately, facts) we as children don't know.  For instance:  knowing the difference between Medicare (don't even start bringing up Medicare A, B, or C) and MediCal/MedicAid.  Distinguishing between Nursing Home care and Assisted Living care....and who will/can help pay for it?  ADLs....Activities of Daily Living and their importance.  How do families cover the cost of elder care?  And then I have to start thinking about myself:  can I afford Long Term Care insurance right now?  Is it worth the additional expense to my current list of expenses?  The answer to the last question, given what I have experienced with Felipe's Mom, is a resounding yes and something I better figure out how to afford. 
 
While I am not happy that we are having to explore all of this for Felipe's mom, it sure is an eye-opening experience for us both and something I am so fortunate to have the chance to do at my "leisure" versus having to do it "in the moment."  Frankly, I'm not sure how families would deal with all of this on the spot because of the amount of information and unknowns that exist with all of this. 
 
The best websites I have found so far to help navigate this process are AgingParents.com and Caring.com.  Both have some valuable information.  I especially enjoyed the podcasts on the first website that cover a wide variety of topics.  The other surprisingly helpful website is the State of California's website dealing specifically with insurance.  As I have started learning more about the importance of biting the bullet to invest in long term care insurance for myself, there is some great information on the State's website regarding what to consider.
 
Know that I welcome any and all suggestions from anyone.

Getting older

I think it's such a strange thing that when I was growing up there was not much more that I wanted than to be older.  Maybe it was the older sister I had or the fact that, no matter my age, there was always somebody older than me and I thought the grass was greener on their side of the fence.  That last thought is funny because as I approach my 42nd birthday (42!!), I was reminded by a 76 year old friend last night that I'm still a young chicken.

So, now that I am getting older it also means that so is everyone else around me and I am more and more aware of how short our time is on this crazy Earth.  I was very moved by the passing this past week of Elizabeth Edwards and the coverage of her funeral services yesterday.  I couldn't help but, like many of us, think about her children and what a tremendous loss they have just experienced.  This year of 2010 has also been especially difficult in my own little world with all of the health scares and tough situations we have faced in our families.  It's hard not to let myself start believing this is what getting older is about....watching the decline of others and worrying more and more about who is next?  Again, not an all consuming set of thoughts, but certainly more prevalent in these past months than ever before in my 42 years.

But, getting older also brings many good things:  confidence, a sense of purpose, wisdom, and an appreciation of life and those with whom I am lucky enough to share it.  Those silly thoughts of invincibility and not having to be super-accountable in my earlier days almost seems like a different life to me.  And, yet, it was my life a few short years ago and not so long ago that I don't remember it.  I would like to believe that I HAVE gained some wisdom over the years and have learned so much about what life can offer.  Never before have the words "Live every day like it's your last" made so much sense to me as it does lately.

Feeling content

As I sit here waiting for Felipe, his sister and her partner to arrive, I can't help but to feel this sense of contentment.  It's been a wild last couple of months, but it's always nice to have this chance to just sit and reflect on things.  Spent most of today doing yard work and errands and just showered (it's about 3:15 right now!) so I could sit down with the ol' laptop, a good cup of tea, and have a few more minutes of relaxation before the gang arrives.  It doesn't hurt that it's about 72 degrees, the sun is shining, and the doors and windows are open.  THIS is why I live here.

So my question to ponder today is how to have this kind of day be the more prevalent kind of day than the rat race kind of days we usually experience?  Does meditation provide that to folks?  In all honesty, my days are pretty mellow (see an earlier post about moving my office location to a more remote part of the building), but there is always the constant e-mail and telephone interruptions.  I have actually been feeling really good about work these days and really taking stock of how much my students appreciate me and how proud I am of the work that I do. 

I hope you are having a good day, too, and will share what you do to bring yourself to a "happy place."

Family matters...

Maybe it's the season, maybe it's been my life this past month, maybe it's because it's Sunday.  Who knows, but all I can seem to think about lately is how important the concept of "family" is to me and how loosely that term can be used sometimes.

We were pleased to have Felipe's Mom and sister here with us this weekend for an early Thanksgiving dinner since we will be in Vancouver with MY Mom for the real turkey deal in 9 days.  I loved spending time with them...even the couple of hours where it was just me and Pilar and a slight language barrier between us.  (My Spanish is only strong enough to catch every 3rd or 4th word she says to me, but at least I try, right?)  I loved hearing the stories (some I've heard, many I haven't) their family shares and enjoying the great laughs that came along with each.  But, like every other visit we have with them, it made me yearn to be with my family and to rekindle the fun, frustration, and genuine love we have for one another.  It also makes me shudder to think of the many earlier visits we wasted with fighting, tension, or other general nonsense that I rationalize as being part of why we are so close today.

I have also been reminded and made more keenly aware this week about how precious time with our families is and how thankful (maybe it IS the season?!) and lucky I consider myself.  It was tough to learn that a not-so-close acquaintance of mine from college lost her father unexpectedly this week and how my mind immediately thought of her mother and recalled how close I remember all of them being.  How could this happen right before Thanksgiving?  I also started thinking about a 75 year old friend of ours and all that she must be feeling right now as the holidays approach and remind her of the loss of her companion 6 years ago at this time of year on top of knowing that her elderly sister (and sole remaining immediate family member) is having a difficult time with her health in Canada. Lastly, to learn that one of the instructors where I work also unexpectedly lost her sister this week really brought the fragility of life and time with family front and center in my thoughts.

It's interesting to me that most of us begin life with our family under the same roof and, at least in my case, don't really understand the strong bonds that are being forged until we are on our own and leading our own lives. And yet, even as I lead my own life I am reminded on almost a daily basis about why I am the way I am and who played a part in getting me there.  I find myself trying to see similar connections that those around me have with their families and discovering the similarities - and differences - each of us have with members of our family all the while knowing those bonds really do matter.  In some strange way, I think Felipe and I have imparted how important family is with our "kids" and they, in their own canine way, have their own appreciation for what we have provided in our home.

I have worked in many situations where those with whom I work have tried to compare and call what we have at work a "family" and I have always bristled at that notion.  Not sure why.  If it means in close proximity, sure.  If it means comes with crazy interpersonal dynamics, right on.  But it doesn't work for me to equate a 40 hour work week with a genuine desire to want to be with and understand the people who play such a vital role in my evolution as an individual.  My true family matters most to me and I would venture to guess the same is true for you.

My early wishes to you and yours for multiple opportunities to spend time with those that matter most during this holiday season:  family.

Are we being turned into robots?

Not sure about you, but this seems to have been a particularly pervasive political (like the alliteration?) season that has awakened my concern that we are not always the masters of our own fate.....but should be.  Further, the conversation I had with friends over breakfast this morning along with events around my office this past week make me wonder if there is still room for individuality or is this society becoming more interested in creating stepford-like beings?

Having never left the comfy confines of higher education, maybe I am the one who is naive about the way this world works and what it takes to survive in it.  It is disheartening to think that there are students (more than I care to count or believe) who are only concerned with the idea of finishing their education as fast as possible and with as little effort or dedication to their studies as possible.  Then, to know that there are schools (more than I care to count or believe) only concerned with making sure those students can do just as they hope and practically paving the way for it to happen....and forcing we the employees to make it happen and at our expense.  It's really amazing and led me to express the need to mount a grassroots effort to have our voices like mine heard and to have a few "Come to Jesus" chats about my concerns.  That's fairly virgin territory for this guy and, frankly, it felt great.

Watching all of the political races unfold and coming to a close in the next several days reminds me that we put a lot of faith in those willing to stick their necks out on the line for the thankless work they do.  But, it also raises the question why these fools would want these positions and be willing to endure the mudslinging and hit to their personal fortunes to obtain one of these elected positions to represent the "people?'''  In some strange way, I want to believe it is because they (not all) don't want to see a society of stepford-like beings and they are willing to do their part to prevent it.  Maybe it's the rest of us who are the fools for not wanting to do our part?

Are we placed on this Earth to be concerned with only our own well-being and, if not, how much effort do we have to expend to show otherwise?

Reality checks

For those of you who know the events of this past week in my life, the title of this blog should be no surprise.  For those who don't, the reality of life slapped me in the face about a week ago and reality won.

I suppose all of us at one point or another will have an event take place that really puts things in perspective.  The reality of mortality is ever present, though not something most of us ever think too much about in our everyday lives.  I know I didn't.  With the near loss of my Mom this past week, mortality is a bit more real.  Sure, she has had other scares in the past but none like this one and certainly not one that seemed so real.

So, I enter the first week of having Mom "back with us" with a newfound sense of what is important in life and what really isn't.  Kindness. Perspective.  Respect for life. Respect for others no matter how hard it might be.  Compassion. Sense of self.  Appreciation of family and family differences.  Living each day as it comes. These are the things that matter most to me.  What matters to you and do you believe you have had your reality check, yet?

ADD, the 21st century, or Gen X?

By now, you know I think alot about work....and I think too much about work during my commute.  Tonight, I was driving home wondering how several generations of folks before mine ever endured holding one...maaayyyyyybee...two jobs in their entire lifetime?  In my short professional life of just over 20 years, I have held more jobs at more places than I care to remember.  Sure, they have usually been within my chosen professional field, but why so many?  When I started thinking about my friends, save one or two, we are all in the same boat....seemingly transient workers willing to pick up and move on the drop of a dime.  Even in today's economy, I find myself wondering if the grass is greener someplace else? 

Lately, it also feels like I spend a significant amount of time wondering if I work to live or live to work?  Perhaps it is my advancing age/wisdom/experience or maybe it is my ADD that sometimes makes me wonder why we spend the vast majority of our lives working.  I, for one, am not fortunate enough to find myself with excessive amounts of money left over each pay period after paying all those pesky bills, utilities, mortgage, etc., and wonder when that time will come?  Until it does, how do I keep myself rejuvenated in the work I do to have it mean more to me than just a way to keep a roof over my head, my dogs fed, and the occasional little prezzy I might give myself?  Is the satisfaction I try to find in my work each and every day enough to fend off the urge to bolt?

Lastly, I think about 2 individuals a lot:  a recent college grad who I admire greatly and recently spent some time with and a friend from college who has worked for the same place for over 20 years.  The recent college grad described her current job as something she doesn't really enjoy but decent enough with bennys and perks to keep her there.  It ain't her dream job, but it meets her needs for now.  Why can't she be doing what she REALLLY wants to be doing and what do I have to complain about when I, ostensibly, AM doing what I really want to be doing?  Then, my college pal:  how in the world does she keep her work....after 20+ years...fresh?  Sure she has been promoted and experienced growth within the organization, but I can't imagine what it must be like to work for the same place for more than about 5 years.  My record:  6 years. 

Will I miss working when retirement comes around?  What do folks who live in countries where work is not central to their everyday way of life experience day in and day out?  How can I rejuvenate myself rather than letting my Gen X side take over by telling me I need to make a change?   Why DO we work so hard and is it truly the great American characteristic we were all taught to strive for as kids growing up?

Anti-social or reflective?

If someone spends less time talking and more time just listening and being, does that make them anti-social or some kind of a social moron?  Take right this moment for example:  my partner and I are sitting 5 feet apart from one another and haven't said a word to each other for the last 20 minutes.  Could be the crazy last couple of days around our house with family visiting (GREAT VISIT by the way) or the fact that we are both tired beyond belief (don't ask about the pugs...they are O-U-T!).  But, we often have evenings like this.  I always laugh, too, when we are on a roadtrip and can drive for hours without saying one word to each other.  I guess we just enjoy each other's company enough to realize idle chatter isn't necessary.

I was also surprised by the reaction I have received now that my office is completely separated from the rest of the staff...by my choice.  I have been questioned about being lonely, exclusive, anti-social, and crazy.  Me?  I believe I have found Nirvana in my little corner of the world and absolutely love the solitude I have during 75% of my day.  Is that strange?  I guess I've always considered myself a "thinker" and someone who needs some quiet time to recharge my batteries.  Never have understood those that need constant activity or noise around them.  Reading with earphones on?  Impossible.  Sleeping with the TV on?  Could never do it.  Talking while I exercise?  Not unless I'm calling for the paramedics.

In this world of overstimulation, I wonder if I'm alone in feeling this way about interaction?  I have always considered myself an extrovert, but I guess I have a strong introverted side of me creeping out more and more the older I get.....and I love it.

Human Decency: Does it still exist?

Hi all:  Thanks for the great comments on my first posting.  Love hearing everyone's thoughts and perspective.  Back when we lived in Seattle, we occasionally held "Salons" at our house where groups of our friends would get together and have...what?....face to face dialogue about whatever topic we chose to discuss. Unfortunately, most of the people who would show up had similar viewpoints, but I remember a couple of doozy discussion items that really allowed for some great conversation. I miss those days and guess this will have to do for now.  Not that we can't host them again....in fact, trying to figure out how and when to do one here on the face of the sun.  But, I digress....

Not sure about you, but my short 20 minute commute to and from work tends to be the time when I think the most about what will today bring (in the morning) and what the heck did I just experience (in the evening)?  Tonight, I was driving home having just had a really irritating interaction with someone from, lets say, a younger generation.  (Did I REALLY just say that?  What am I?  90?)  While I chalk her comment up to having a bit to do with the frustration she is experiencing right now, I couldn't help but realize I am finally experiencing the generational differences we all experience as we grow older.  Funny thing is, it's we "older folk" who seem the most aware of it while the young stuff just carry on their merry way.  I know when I was her age (wow, again, sounding like Father Time), I was probably completely unaware of how I was interacting and what impression I was making on those around me much like I believe she did today.  Her comment really sparked today's topic:  Human Decency and whether or not it still exists?

While trying to assist her with how to resolve her problem by calling a Help Line, she glared over the top of her open laptop computer, rolled her eyes (Oh No She Didn't!), and said, "I don't have time for that.  I work and go to school, ya know."   I took a breath, counted to 10 (ok, maybe it was 3), and asked, "You don't have 5 minutes in your busy life to call a 24/7 help line?"  I guess I was speaking Latin at that point because this vapid look appeared on her face and it became increasingly clear: the conversation was over. 

Now, my thoughts on my drive home included:  What part of "I'm trying to help you" didn't she get?  Is she really THAT busy that finding 5 minutes is truly impossible given the help line is 24/7?  How did I manage to commute for 3 hours one time per week, complete graduate school, work full time, and maintain a social life and she can't manage a 5 minute phone call to HELP HERSELF?  And finally, the ultimate question for myself was, "Where is the human decency?"  All it took was, "Thanks, Don, I'll give it a try" or even a simple Thanks.  Just seems odd and I wonder if her generation really doesn't understand the concept of appreciation?  Is it her age (early 20s)?  Was it the frustration getting the best of her?  Or, am I just becoming the old dude on the verge of saying "In my day....."

Honesty and White Lies

Why do humans seem to find it difficult to tell the truth and/or own up to reality?  One of the most vivid lessons I remember as a kid was learning the difference between white lies...you know, those little fibs that the fibber doesn't think will create hard feelings...and full-on dishonesty.  Is a white lie ok to tell if one believes it saves face for either themself or the person being lied to at the moment?  I don't get it. 

Going one step further:  why is it hard to accept responsibility, ask forgiveness (when appropriate) and then move on?  Why does it seem we are so inclined to "suck it up" when we are angry, hurt, whatever about something rather than to speak our minds which usually involves telling the truth?  When was the last time you second-guessed speaking the truth because you thought it might cost you your job?  A friendship?  A sale?  Offending a family member/friend?  Sadly to say, it happened to me just today and I'll bet you are probably in the same boat with me....here's a paddle....enjoy the ride.

What is it about our society that feeds this phenomenon?  Or, am I living in my own galaxy?  Is this a uniquely American trait? 

 

And so it begins....

After one earlier failed attempt, tonight marks my (re)entry into the blogging world.  For years, I have kept a personal written journal and now I join the 21st century by sharing my thoughts in this more public forum.  While far more censored, I look forward to sharing personal thoughts, memories, hopes and maybe a few dreams (dare I?) with you, my readers.   I also look forward to hearing from you and the exchange of ideas that only something like electronic communication may permit: open for interpretation; without interruption; time for thoughtful reflection.  So...here we go.  Thanks for coming with me on my journey.  I may not be as witty as other bloggers out there...but I'll do my best!